That Wallace Sure Does A Lot Of Meeting

Dear fellows burners.

A friend of mine shared this with me the other day. He happens to live in a high rise apartment adjacent to the very same building that he works in. His bedroom is in fact visible from his offices. This has afforded him the luxury of going home for a nap during lunch, amongst other things. One day however, he forgot to close the blinds leading to disastrous consequences. Well… depending on how you look at it.

Enjoy

It was 11am on a Monday and ‘Bob from accounts’ was on his routine coffee break. Bob liked to stroll around the office stopping occasionally to make small talk with various colleagues. On this particular Monday he thought he’d drop by Wallace and Richard's desk. Richard who was affectionately known as Dick, (though he hated being called Dick), was busy and didn’t have time to chat to Bob from Accountants.

"Where's Wallace Dick?", said Bob, as he sipped gingerly on his coffee, standing awkwardly close to Richard. Richard did not bother to look up, as he secretly hated Bob from Accounts because Bob from Accounts was just so smug! "Don't know,” replied Richard. “Think he said he had an important meeting.”

Bob from Accounts reflected out loud, "Ah, that Wallace sure is a hard worker. He sure does do a lot of meeting."

Bob continued to stand next to Richard casually scanning the building across the way. Something however, caught his eye. He squinted trying to make sense of the shape and movements. "Hey what the hell is…. Dick..."

Richard continued to stare at his computer, though now noticeably frustrated "What?" said Richard. “Dick, Dick. Look over there, Dick. There’s some guy masturbating in that apartment in the building across the way." Richard peered over his cubicle and astonishingly Bob wasn't lying.

"Hold on," said a bewildered Richard. "That's not just some guy. That's Wallace!"

This observation caused Bob to spit out his coffee onto Richard, and Richard’s computer. "Oh. Sorry Dick. I was just so..."

"My name’s not Dick you son of a bitch. It’s Richard. Richard!" Richard shoved Bob from Accounts. He'd shoved him again and again. Across the office they went. "Get it. Richard! And you're not sorry. You're anything but. All you are is God Damn smug." 

They were now on the opposite end of the open floor approaching a balcony. Bob almost toppling over with every shove. But before Richard could gain control of himself, he gave Bob from Accounts one last, fatal push. Bob lost balance and went crashing backwards, out onto the balcony and over the railing. Floor after floor he dropped. It would seem like an eternity. Falling, falling...

Richard, as white as a ghost, turned around to face his hushed colleagues.  Shaking, sweating, Richard said, "Dear God, what have I done?" his voice quivering with fright. There was dead silence in the office.

"Dick! My God. You've killed him," said Hassleback. “Well Dick, we can't have that happen in such a reputable institution that is Webber and Wicks Bank. “No, no," continued Hassleback, "Can’t have that. If we were to go around pushing every smug in-house accountant out of the window to their inevitable deaths, lets just say that the IRS would be up to their guts in audits." The whole office laughed at this.

"I'm sorry Dick, but we're going to have to let you go."

"But sir, its Wallace. Wallace was...."

"Now now Dick. Don't blame it on Wallace. Wallace is a respectable, hard working  employee....".

“A credit to this institution”, said another,

“He sure does do a lot of meeting.", said Higgins.

"To true.”  Continues Hassleback. “Speaking of which, looks like we’ll have to give that promotion to Wallace now, since well, Dick’s a murderer and all. Where is that son of a gun?”

Jut at that moment a sweaty looking Wallace came hurriedly back into the office, “Sorry fellas. Was just at a meeting. Did I miss anything?”

“Only the death of an account, and a promotion!”

"I got it?” said Wallace.

“You sure did Wallace” said Hassleback.

“But I thought Dick was a shoe-in?”

“Well that was before Dick went awol and murdered Bob from Accounts.”

“That’s great news. I mean, that’s tragic…”

“I’m not going to miss that smug son of a bitch. Are you?” The whole office laughed, except for the accounting department, who while having heard, and seen the events pass, were physically incapable of laughter, or any other human emotion.

Richard, dragged away, kicking and screaming by security, made one last defiant statement of intent, “I’ll get you Wallace. If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll get you.”

Wallace ignoring Richard looked down at his watch. "Well. No time to waste," he said, "I got a meeting to get to. Later"

The whole office laughed at this, simultaneously giving each other high fives….

End