The Day A Snowman Saved My Life

Dear fellow burners.

Here's something I wrote home when I had just arrived in New York.

Enjoy.

Wow, this god damn weather... It sure has been cold. Last week Monday there was a blizzard. Schools closed down for the first time in fours years. Even the snowman on the corner was wearing a coat. He smoked a cigar, which melted his lips, but he didn't seem to care.

“Hey buddy,” I said, “can you point me in the direction of the Empire State building?”

He responded, "With these sticks, I cannot do much. Just look up”, he sighed.... “I can’t. Bastards that built me never gave me a neck. Forever I will see you, and all of existence at eye level. When will the sun come and end my misery?”

“You and me both buddy, you and me both.”

Unbeknown to me, I ended up having dinner that night right underneath the Empire State building. I thought, man this place sure is exorbitant. I overheard the monocle-eyed man next to me comment, “I say, this pâté de foie gras is quite delectable.” A chef approached me from behind, grabbed me by the shoulder, swung me around and said ‘Who are ya, who are ya?" I thought blimey, its bleedin Gordon Ramsay! I wondered what those three stars stood for. “Look mate,” he said, “ are you gonna pay for this or what? We don't except cards without the customers name on it. Was your name then lad? Its not Travel Wallet is it? Is it?” He proceeded to prod me with a fork. I instinctively made a dash for it, having no other alternative then to head into the kitchen.

It was like entering the halls of a mental asylum. Chefs, clad in straight jackets, were locked in cages all in various stages of delirium. Others had their hands free but their feet shackled. They never even looked up as Gordon chased me around the kitchen frantically.They just continued chopping, slicing, dicing, mumbling, "just one more onion. Just one more onion."

Flames engulfed our surroundings. I found an exit, but the door was locked. I heaved and heaved, but it was no use. "Nowhere to ‘travel’ now ey 'Wall e'...ha, ha ,ha" taunted the crazed chef. I backed up against the door in fright. Ramsay lunged at me with a knife - I thought ‘that’s it, I'm a gonner.’ Suddenly the door behind me gave way and I fell back onto the sidewalk. “Snowman” I cried, “you came back for me.” “That I did young sir, that I did!" Ramsay now furious, made one last futile attempt to stab me, but snowman stepped in the way. The knife carved through his chest like butter. "Ha, Ramsay,” said the snowman defiantly “no knife can affect me.” Ramsay grinned, "how about a hot one?" Snowman peered down as his chest began to melt away. “I'm melting” he cried, “melting!” “Oh snowman”, I pleaded, "don't melt on me, not now." “Save yourself boy. Forget that you ever met me. Just remember, the next time you build a snowman give him a neck... maybe a ahh…” “A what?” I cried in despair, “A what?” Snowman melted in my hands and with that his eyes fell to the ground. I grabbed his nose and said defiantly "Here's one carrot you'll never chop Ramsay!" and fled into the night.

End